You Are Quite Feeble

by popular demand. (like, two of you.)

an additional ten fictional characters i'd be all up ons

	carol vessey ed
	"I'm not afraid of you being my boyfriend. I'm afraid of you being my ex-boyfriend."
	sarah connor terminator: scc
	"Half an hour. One bag, plus the guns. I'll make pancakes."
	maggie dekker eli stone
	"My suggestion: go find another peon to pee on."
	sookie stackhouse true blood
	"Bill, you were just lickin' blood outta my head. I don't think it gets much more personal than that."
	charlotte 'chuck' charles pushing daisies
	"Yeah? You were my first kiss, too. Do you wanna be my last kiss? First and last? Or is that weird?"
	dani reese life
	"I don't really understand you. I don't really like you. But... you're not one of the bad guys."
	tyra collette friday night lights
	"Just a bunch of overheated jocks, too dumb to know they have no future, fighting over a game that has no meaning, in a town from which there is no escape."
	giselle enchanted
	"Still, as long as I am here / I guess a new experience / Could be worth trying / Hey! Keep drying!"
	laura in treatment
	"You know for months, I spent the week thinking-- it'll be this Monday. I'll tell him that I love him, and he'll tell me that he loves me, and the session won't be 50 minutes; it'll go forever."
	megan smith privileged
	"Why do you need porn? Why is porn a need? Why can't I stop saying 'porn'?"

first list!
second list!
third list!

no repeats!

As a refresher-- this is not a '10 actresses who are hot' list. The internets have plenty of those. These are fictional characters for whom one can't help but temporarily fall head over heels. As a wise man once said in a fast food joint, personality goes a long way.

Waiting two years to make another one of these would have been pushing it. My entertainment 2007 has already provided me with:

yet another ten fictional characters i'd be all up ons

	pam beesley the office
	pam is the reason this list exists: she's not model-gorgeous or anything... but after just a few episodes' worth of jim and pam's insufferable cuteness you recognize that she's actually the perfect woman.
	ichigo shirayuri kamikaze girls
	an adorable biker chick. who would probably fly into a seething rage and roam the countryside if she knew some punk out there was calling her adorable.
	rachel lindquist undeclared
	resident dorm hottie with a heart of gold. she has a great sense of humor and is surprisingly easy to get along with... but she can go into unapproachably gorgeous mode on cue if necessary.
	sarah walker chuck
	if retail store computer nerd chuck is everyman, agent walker is everyman's dream come true. she's a pro, but not so much that she can avoid falling for him. perfect!
	rita bennett dexter
	as pure and sweet a soul as you'll find. as it turns out, the man who has served as a major stabilizing force in her life is secretly a serial killer, but somehow you just know they belong together.
	di di malloy the riches
	as with each of the malloy kids, she is wise beyond her years, and fiercely loyal. family comes first, but she knows there's lots out there she hasn't seen. you'd gladly be her tour guide.
	serena van der woodsen gossip girl
	filthy rich and beautiful... but magically devoid of the snobbishness exhibited by her filthy rich and beautiful friends. she is towing a crazy past behind her like an anchor, but she could be ready to take things seriously for the right guy.
	coco the flight of the conchords
	oh no, she's not trying to break up the band. you wouldn't believe what we heard she's into.
	harriet hayes studio 60 on the sunset strip
	one of the more endearing bits of a grandiose production full of egos and sound and fury. sure, she's got the glitz and glamour side, but deep down she's just a girl who wants to make you laugh.
	alice alden, m.d. saved
	sort of whiny and not nearly assertive enough to be an ER doc. but ultimately, still the kind of woman you figure is worth putting your life back together for.

first list!
second list!

no repeats!

(whoops I accidentally deleted and had to re-post this entry.)

The AfterEllen.com Hot 100 List

Let's face it: Maxim doesn't cater to lesbians. In fact, you could say it flies in the face of all that we hold dear, especially when it declares Lindsay Lohan the hottest of them all, as it did when it published The Maxim Hot 100 List last month. So we asked you, our readers, to create your own list of hotties, and you came out in droves to nominate the women you think deserve to be on the AfterEllen.com Hot 100 List. Thousands of votes later, we have the results.

Absurdly L Word centric, and Jordana Brewster in the top 10. It's like I wrote it myself. (Except for no Asian women until no. 71...)

(source, thanks Paul)

If I was given the choice to have Randy Moss on the Patriots, but the cost would be Tom Brady wearing a Yankees hat... Actually, shit, that's a tough one.

Seriously, Tom, we all love you unconditionally. You'd probably be the most loved athlete in town right now if David Ortiz hadn't randomly hugged the guy last night who was trying to tag him out in a rundown. So how hard would it be to not be a douchebag and just avoid NY hats for the rest of your life?

(The purse doesn't help either)

matt: Rachel Bilson & Hayden Christensen — NEW COUPLE ALERT! matt: Hayden & Rachel Go Grocery Shopping paul: in the vader voice: paul: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

wow, the last one seems like it happened an entertainment lifetime ago. i think its the right time to try this again...

ten more fictional characters i want to do crazygonuts with:

	maggie o'connell northern exposure
	quite honestly, she blows the rest of this list (and the last) away. the slightest arch of an eyebrow and the knees of any man will turn to jelly. plus she knows her way around a shotgun.
	dr. temperance brennan bones
	'bones' is not your classic beauty. completely brilliant when it comes to her craft, but naive enough about everything else that you want to show her how to have a good time. a merciless tease (or maybe that's just her writers).
	shane mccutcheon the l word
	shane is a hott, hott pseudo-butchy lesbian. i don't know if i'm not supposed to be attracted to her, but dear god i can't help it.
	nancy botwin weeds
	clearly i can't get through one of these lists without including a MILF. i'm pretty sure that multiple procedures have left Mary Louise-Parker's poor face stretched so tight that a sneeze may spell disaster, but, man, she's still adorable for now.
	lt. kara thrace battlestar galactica
	'starbuck' is easily one of my favorites, despite sharing screen time with the hottest actress of Asian descent in our television history. the ability to beat my ass down AND the short hair together form a devastating combo.
	lisa miller newsradio
	the classic effortlessly hot co-worker, her seemingly sweet exterior belies the relentless overachiever within.
	kaylee frye firefly
	nothing creative about this one. everyone who's ever met kaylee wuvs her to deth oh yes we do. surprisingly, NOT the only person on this list who can rebuild an engine.
	hawkgirl justice league
	you know what, fuck it-- i don't have to explain myself to YOU PEOPLE.
	lindsay weir freaks and geeks
	out-of-your-league cute but doesn't realize it. blisteringly intelligent, but doesn't need to make a big deal about it. just rebellious enough that you admire her, but not so much that you think she's nuts.
	taylor townsend the o.c.
	this is admittedly a bit of a sentimental pick right now, as the o.c. aired its final episode last night. but she's legit-- she totally (and pretty much single-handedly) made this last season worth watching.

.:

For a guy with an avowed Asian fetish, white women (at least 16 of 20) and brunettes in particular (14 of 20) are freaking SLAYING my lists. Closely-cropped haircuts accompany a solid 25 percent of the characters, while only 5% are of Thanagarian origin.

:.

Another idea for a future gratuitous hot chicks list-- A "Most Improved Player" list for actresses. All i have right now are:

- Autumn Reeser. Taylor Townsend went from annoying borderline-evil character to resident hottie on a show known for its hotties.
- Lizzy Caplan. It is just unbelievable how good she looks now. Relatively, anyway. Sure, Lindsay Lohan has had a very rough past couple of years, but even so if I had told you back when Mean Girls came out that Cady's gothy-androgenous best friend would soon be hotter than Cady herself, you'd have slapped me silly.

Aaron Eckhardt (Thank You For Smoking, Paycheck) has landed the role of Harvey Dent/Two-Face in the upcoming Dark Knight.

I think it's a great choice. Christopher Nolan seems to want people who are actors first and names second.

Checking the IMDb page, I notice that Maggie Gyllenhaal's name is on there as Rachel Dawes (Katie Holmes' character in Batman Begins). I didn't realize Dawes was returning and, if so, that Holmes would be out. So, why not just chuck Rachel altogether?

Ooh, let's do a list for no reason:

Ranking the female characters of the Batman film franchise:

1. Dr. Chase Meridian (Nicole Kidman)
2. Vicki Vale (Kim Basinger)
5. Selina Kyle/Catwoman (Michelle Pfeiffer)
6. Rachel Dawes/Whineyface (Katherine Holmes)
7. Dr. Jonathan Crane (Cillian Murphy)
68. Barbara Wilson/Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone)
73. Dr. Pamela Isley/Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman)
811. Catwoman/Whatever (Halle Berry)

Gisele and Tom - It's True!!!! (popsugar's squealing headline, not mine)

apparently it's official now. if that's not a hell of a consolation prize, i don't know what is.

first Chris Evans, then Tom Brady. it's like Ms. Bundchen is living all of my alternate-universe-where-matt-is-gay fantasies. or something.

if her next beau is Timothy Olyphant, then we'll know something fishy is going on. i've said way too much.

um. i'm going to see Catch and Release now. boy, that Jen Garner sure is hot. oh baby.

yet another reason why it must be nice to be a celebrity-- i think there are just more options in everyday life.

ERW: "Mom!! WHY can't I go to the party, I'm 19, I can make my own decisions!"

M: "Evan Rachel Wood of 2003's indie hit Thirteen, we are NOT discussing this until your father gets home. That's it."

ERW: "I can't believe you! Fine, I'm gonna go date the Antichrist guy."

alright, i haven't actually watched House yet, but i imagine that the Canadian series ReGenesis is a bit like that except on a much more ambitious scale. to be fair, House is clearly not trying to accomplish the same thing, it's just one doctor in one hospital with a bunch of wacky infectious diseases, one or two of which stop by to visit in a given episode.

ReGenesis follows a similarly quirky but incredibly talented microbiologist, his team and the work they do at at "NorBAC" (The North American Biotechnology Advisory Commission), trying to identify pathogens in the wild, stop potential epidemics and crap like that.

at this rate (i'm merely 4 episodes in) it's already just about guaranteed to end up on my top 10 list for TV dramas (currently, in some order: 24, sleeper cell, the l word, battlestar galactica, six feet under, weeds, firefly, gray's anatomy, freaks + geeks, first few seasons of the sopranos... i dont know if nip/tuck is eligible, its just so off the wall...)

how did i hear about ReGenesis? i have a totally disturbing crush on Ellen Page (X-Men 3, Hard Candy)

:.

consider putting off those weekly CD, crack cocaine, or movie ticket purchases for a little while, and see if you can help alissaaa meet her goal for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer.

my father underwent a successful triple bypass on Tuesday morning. all signs have been good since then, and we're hoping he'll be out of the hospital in a few days.

i was awake for about 30 hours straight through Tuesday night so my mother could get some sleep. i mean, i probably would have been up anyway.

i think my new medication has definitely been doing something, because ordinarily this is the type of thing that would have completely freaked me out. if anything, i've been almost too calm and rational about all of this.

:.

i spent the all-nighter on Tuesday/Wed with my iPod and a couple of books i had been meaning to get to. oh, speaking of books... how awesome a choice of reading material for a hospital waiting room is this:



anyhoo. i brought two books with me. The Aquariums of Pyongyang and 1984. yes, i have never actually read 1984, gasp, horrors. whatever.

i started with Aquariums. i don't really remember now how the book was recommended to me (if it was one of you guys, let me know), but it's fortunate that i picked it up. it's the life story of a man (Kang Chol-Hwan) who survived 10 years in Kim Il-Sung's gulags in North Korea, and eventually escaped to South Korea via China.

i highly recommend it. it's an easy read, and i believe that for me it was invaluable as a quick primer on the modern history of North Korea, or at least to better understand how things there have gotten to this point and what life would be like for someone living under this particular sort of tyrant. it's clear to me that this could be the most disturbing human crisis happening in the world right now, but we still don't have all the details. its sad that a) its happening without most people's knowledge and b) there is absolutely no easy way out. Kim Jong-il is happy to follow his father's lead by conning the world out of the resources needed to just BARELY keep his people alive... the famine happening there is a full-blown crisis which rivals any of the other depraved situations in the world today, yet Kim's regime is constructed entirely in the interest of acquiring, developing and selling weapons of mass destruction. the world powers have a choice of either allowing the atrocity to continue unabated, or contributing resources to help the suffering and thus indirectly condoning the existing regime.

aside from anecdotal references to the Korean War (half of which are from Kevin's dad on The Wonder Years) and riotously funny LiveJournal Kim Jong-Il imposters, i really have never given much thought to North Korea... and definitely had never made the effort to find out how things had gotten to the point they are now. i'm sorry to say that three days ago i couldn't have told you which countries fought in the Korean War or when or why.

this book follows a wealthy pro-communist family with Korean roots from financial success in Japan to their move back home to support the promise of a successful communist North Korea. upon their arrival, things are not as rosy as promised.

aside from the stomach-churning descriptions of inhumane living conditions in the labor camps, there's an even more fascinating aspect of the story... the narrative style (the book is written by a French historian + journalist, who was told Kang's story through an interpreter) allows the reader to follow the creation of a dictator's Godlike image through the eyes of a child in his formative years.

i started to read 1984 probably 45 minutes after finishing the first book, and quickly came face-to-face with those major Orwellian themes and references i've become familiar with in other places through the years. Big Brother. the Two Minutes Hate. the Ministry of Truth and those classic three phrases:

WAR IS PEACE

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY

IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

naturally, good Massachusetts liberal and Daily Show devotee that i am, i can't help but read those three lines and not think of the way George W. Bush's administration chooses to parcel out disinformation and half-truths to American citizens. tickled pink, i was.

but ultimately, i couldn't read past about 30 pages. i wasn't ready for all of the ridiculous parallels between 1984's totalitarian "Party" and Kim Il-Sung's elaborate network of propaganda, martial law tactics and surveillance as detailed in The Aquariums of Pyongyang. there was the constant deification of a Big Brother/Kim Il-Sung, replete with iconic posters plastered everywhere. an institutional system for distributing calculated misinformation and constant reaffirmation to citizens of a great vision being realized without error. constant public reminders of the savior that is Big Brother/Kim Il-Sung, and how lucky they were to have him as leader in the face of despicable enemies (Goldstein/America) who wished to destroy their utopia.

i had accidentally brought along with me two identical books. except one was fiction and one was not.

i'll definitely finish 1984 soon, but it was all a bit much to take in for one night.

.:

so i think i've found my dream woman.

i was in line at CompUSA buying this $150 pair of earbuds (that i'm now going to return), and saw Her on the cover of Fast Company magazine.



i was utterly dumbfounded; speechless. she's one of the most beautiful people i've ever seen. or more accurately, i should say that this person + this particular makeup job for this particular shoot has produced a couple of the most gorgeous images of a woman i've ever seen. but i can't find a quality picture of her online anywhere.

her name is Ambra Medda. she's Sardinian.



anyway, i think i've got a shot--

she is the director and co-founder of Design Miami/ Basel, "a bi-annual invitational design event showcasing the world’s top galleries exhibiting modern to contemporary museum-quality design and decorative arts." meanwhile ...i am God's gift to Photoshop.

she is fluent in English, Italian, Spanish, French and Chinese. and i am an awesome speller. i think we would make a good match. and i swear, she looks a little bit like my ex.

here's (PDF warning) her entire insufferable bio from the company page.

:.

i renewed PXLT.net a couple of days ago. its currently serving only as a festering little reminder that i am largely devoid of any creativity these days. well, any day now, it's gonna be brilliant. you'll see, you'll all see...!

no one told me Cat Deeley was hosting "So You Think You Can Dance"...! we LOVE CAT DEELEY.

i swear, i was just flipping past the channel...

major female characters on the show 24, in descending order of hottness... actress links included to facilitate data mining:

1 - Mandy (Mia Kirshner)
2 - Kim Bauer (Elisha Cuthbert)
3 - Nina Myers (Sarah Clarke)
4 - Michelle Dessler (Reiko Aylesworth)
5 - Audrey Raines (Kim Raver)
6 - Kate Warner (Sarah Wynter)
7 - Claudia Salazar (Vanessa Ferlito)
8 - Marie Warner (Laura Harris)
9 - Marianne Taylor (Aisha Tyler)
10 - Julia Milliken (Gina Torres)
11 - Teri Bauer (Leslie Hope)
12 - Chloe O'Brian (Mary Lynn Rajskub)
13 - Lynne Kresge (Michelle Forbes)
14 - Diane (Connie Britton)
15 - Dina Araz (Shohreh Aghdashloo)
16 - Erin Driscoll (Alberta Watson)
17 - Martha Logan (Jean Smart)
18 - Sherry Palmer (Penny Johnson)

honorary shout-out to memorable bit players (six episodes or less):

Debbie Pendleton, Behrooz's girlfriend (Leighton Meester)
Janet York, Kim Bauer's friend from Season 1 (Jacqui Maxwell)

need help, let me know if i'm forgetting anyone.

:.

i'm currently in negotiations with a clueless seller for the following listing:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=8248978050

if i were able to buy everything new (w/ very conservative estimates from froogle):

Xbox 360 (premium) system - $399
extra wireless controller - $35
three decent games - $55 x 3 = $165
'play and charge' kit - $15
bonus media remote - $15
carrying case - maybe $15

i'm not going to use the last couple of things, but they're still worth something.

so that's $645. the system i'm getting is a week old, if anything that actually makes me more comfortable because i know i'm getting a working system... a small number have had problems.

ok.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHwhatismyproblem.

paul: i am going to buy everyone a christmas present this year paul: everyone in our family that is matt: you're making that much money, huh? paul: i am buying everyone an easy button

.:

( special feature on drew carey's girlfriends )

who should be jeannie the genie?

Poll #617655
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 6

*blink*

Garner, Hudson and Lohan lead 'Jeannie' Race (WENN)

nicorette taste funky?

nicoderm not doing the trick?

[Alyson Hannigan] told me she would not do any romantic scenes with me as long as I was smoking. And that left me with no other option. So I quit the day we started working, and I haven't had a cigarette since.

-Jason Segal, Alyson's co-star on How I Met Your Mother (via the superficial)

Headphones linked to hearing loss? -CNN.com

this is hardly news, but it is probably good that it's getting some exposure. extended headphone listening is an extremely bad thing, especially at the levels most people consider normal today (not to mention the volume people set to hear their music over subway or street noise).

there's almost no question that my own hearing has become *much* worse in the past few years. i find it near impossible to hear what people are saying in bars or clubs when i'm sitting only a few feet away from them (forget about concerts). i've given up trying to get people to repeat themselves, and subsequently i've found that i'm not a horrible lip-reader. it's still extremely frustrating though.

as i've become aware of this, i've tried to gradually wean myself off of headphones, but it is easier said than done. i use them primarily when i'm at home with my computer. since around 2000, my computer has been my primary stereo system, movie theater, recording studio and, increasingly, my television and arcade machine as well. for the past few years i've lived in apartments, or 2nd floor bedrooms, etc., just places where I was afraid to disturb my neighbors/parents with electronic gunshots, explosions, pounding bass and/or my attempts to channel Jeff Beck... so just by habit I use my headphones for most everything.

from the article:

a good rule of thumb comes from a study published in December: Researchers at Boston Children's Hospital determined that listening to a portable music player with headphones at 60 percent of its potential volume for one hour a day is relatively safe. (emphasis added)

early on I invested in better quality circumaural (closed design) Sennheisers, and now Grado's, as i figured i needed decent fidelity for a few of those applications i listed. this was probably not a good idea, and i was/am not at all careful about avoiding excessive volume. i'm sure the in-ear type of phones are worse, but it's just the amount of time and volume that probably has really screwed up my hearing by now. i figure that it's similar to what i'm doing to my eyes now, staring at an LCD screen less than 2 feet away for more than half of my waking hours. i'm not going to be a very fun old person.

:.

speaking of freaky eyes-- go see The Exorcism of Emily Rose. man, that's good stuff. do we *heart* Laura Linney? i think we do. that reminds me, current list of TV characters i am all up ons (in descending order):

1. Summer Roberts, The O.C. - Rachel Bilson
2. Nancy Botwin, Weeds - Mary-Louise Parker (her plastic surgeon's phone must be ringing off the hook)
3. Lt. Kara Thrace ("Starbuck"), Battlestar Galactica - Katee Sackhoff

uh. jesus, that might be it.

no, wait--

4. Veronica Mars, Veronica Mars - Kristen Bell (only seen two episodes though, and they kind of sucked)
5. Kate, Lost - Evangeline Lilly (i've only seen the pilot from last season. but this season just started, so there's a loophole and my no. 5.)

it's ok though. Alias and Nip/Tuck are starting up again fairly soon. all hail TiVO the DVR.

last thing--

when did TWO AND A HALF MEN become America's no. 1 comedy?

since Danica Patrick came in 13th this weekend, i've decided that they need to go ahead and start production of the TV movie now (Danica: Three Pit Stops from Glory), before the masses once again can't tell an IRL circuit from an electrical circuit.

and i think we have to give Jill Hennessy (Law & Order, Crossing Jordan) the lead role:

---

friday - large, albeit slightly defective, tv delivered. making them send me another.

saturday - moved much of my stuff to the sweet new apartment* in sweltering 90° heat. nearly fainted.

sunday - got horrible (and unprecedented) leg cramp in the pool. didn't drown, but that hurts.

today - oh-so-beautiful gibson SG* delivered. have to think of a name.

tomorrow - i will finally be able to play Genesis games on my PSP. will try not to faint.

later this week - surprisingly nice new bed arriving. will have to dial-a-mattress or something. and decide on thread counts and synthetic pillow stuffing choices.

i have run out of things to lust after for the moment. unbelievable. i'm grasping at straws now:

IBM Space Saver II keyboard w/ TrackPoint IV (spanish version)

*pictures to follow!

kaki: are there any, you know... self-professed guitar nerds in the audience?

HA, ok two...

well this is what you all need to do: first, tune your high E to an E flat, it gives everything an edge when you play bar chords...

...and second, you need to go buy gwen stefani's new cd, it's amazing.

matt: *swoons*

it was really really really hot this weekend. i didn't get anything done. which is unfortunate because i was supposed to MOVE OUT.

but honestly, i can't anyway-- i am waiting for a bed to be delivered. that's kind of key. hopefully that will be sometime this week.

so i really wasted away the entire weekend, until about 6.00 PM today, when i decided to dive in and organize my shit... to see what i need to throw out, sell or take with me. everything simply must fall into one of those three categories, i've decided.

one thing ive been trying to get rid of is the 120 or so (mostly unlabeled) recordable CD's that are sitting around everywhere... so i started a little assembly line figuring out what was on everything and keeping a Sharpie handy so it would NEVER come to this again. even labeled the blank ones "BLANK".

after a little while i ran across a few mixes i had kept around over the years, stuff i had received from various people... i decided to import them into my itunes so at least i'd get around to listening to them. one of the mixes i found was from about five years ago... sent by this girl who hooked up with me one weekend and proceeded to ruin my entire summer.

i had never actually listened to it, which made me feel bad when i noticed today that she had painstakingly hand-lettered all the track names on the CD in a spiral, alternating Sharpie and fine point markers to denote bands and song names, respectively. must have taken her awhile.

here's the track listing:

Wish You Were Here - Wyclef Jean
When The World Ends - DMB*
The Space Between - DMB*
Angel - DMB*
Walk Away - Ben Harper**
Do You Miss Me - Lucky Boys Confusion
Ready Or Not - The Fugees
Feel Like Makin' Love - Bad Company
Crash (hip hop remix) - DMB
Perfect One - Lit
Faith - George Michael
Properly - The Toasters
Instant Pleasure - Rufus Wainwright
Elephant Love Medley - Moulin Rouge soundtrack
Your Song - Elton John

* the album Everyday was playing pretty much the whole time we were in my apartment. which is why to this day i will throw a hissy fit if someone puts that shit on
** tell me about it

normally i'd be flattered that someone had put together a mix like that right after spending a weekend with me, but knowing her this was probably something she had mass-produced.